After the pain of my brother's suicide, I fell in love with the silence that came with freediving

This First Person column is by Noah Deszca, who lives in Whitby, Ont. For more information about CBC’s First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

The dawn light shimmered across the snow-covered fields of the Bruce Peninsula in southern Ontario. The drive was quiet except for my inner dialogue: a routine rumbling of future uncertainties and second guesses. “Did I pay enough off that credit card? Have I booked that dental appointment? Why did I say that awkward thing at the grocery store? What was the last conversation I had with my brother about? Am I terrible for not remembering?”

I fought